MutteringfoolDotCom: Losing Faith

MutteringfoolDotCom

by Suzy Smith since 2000.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Losing Faith

I've always believed in God. As far back as I can remember, I believed.

When I was a small child, I remember going to CCD classes (Sunday School only on Tuesdays) after school at the Church. I was Christened and took my First Communion in the Catholic Church. I sat in a hard pew during mass, watching the Priest, in his colorful robes, say the mass, and give the sermon. I was fascinated by the altar boys, as girls were not allowed to be altar attendents when I was growing up.

The pomp and circumstance of the church was beautiful, wonderful, reassuring. The dark wood walls, the tiled floor, the beautiful altar. Stained glass windows depicting the twelve stations of the cross along the walls of my church.

When I was sitting there it always seemed like a felt a connection to something, somewhere in the universe. It was what I thought a belief in God felt like.

My whole life, I've felt that, until this year. As more and more has gone wrong in my life, and I've sunk deeper and deeper into this depression I'm in. I've lost my faith.

I don't feel a connection to the universe. I'm doubting whether or not God exists. If he does exist, why are things going so badly for me? Am I that bad of a person?

Is it my doubt that is doing this? Yet, I can't force myself to believe. I can not force faith that just isn't there. In despair last weekend I drove down to the Church, I parked in the side parking lot and went and sat at the one memorial area.

All alone, in the cold and dark, I talked to the sky, hoping that my lifetime of faith wasn't a falsehood, I begged for some sign, any sign, that God is there.

Nothing.

I cried, tears streaming down my face, hoping for anything to help bring me back to my faith. To help me get past the hypocrisy of the supposed Christians who have made me think more and more that God doesn't exit.

How can he when the loudest of his followers are hateful, awful people who only want to hurt others? When those who spend the most time praising him are the first ones to raise a voice or hand in anger?

How can I get my faith back when every day something else happens to make my, or my family's, life harder? Can I believe when i hurt this much?

I don't know, I just don't know anymore.

posted by Suzy @ 10:35 PM

3 Comments:

At December 08, 2006 3:43 PM, Anonymous said…

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you are feeling what you are feeling right now. I've been there before. I just wanted you to know someone out there (me) is thinking of you. You can email me if you ever feel like talking.
At December 14, 2006 8:19 AM, Anonymous said…

The devil is getting to you, Susan. The devil is trying to convince you that if God were so great, he wouldn't allow you to go through so much pain. Push the devil out, keep talking to God and asking for strength. Nick and I will pray for you. Look at Kyrsi and Tre and Charlie and Colson and tell me God does not exist... Keep your head up and your heart surrounded by good people and you will know God is with you every day. Keep praying, Susan. You need more faith now than ever, when the devil is trying to get to you. The more you turn your back, the more the devil will get in your head and convince you that God is not there for you.
At January 26, 2007 1:49 PM, Anonymous said…

thanks for your post. I've been going through this process as well for a long period of time. I don't want to push you either way - we each need to come to our own decisions and the "truth" is almost unimportant compared to what you need to get through the day.

I don't think the devil is after you. And there's no crime in questioning (even going to the source - Christ questioned, Moses questioned). Good luck.