MutteringfoolDotCom

by Suzy Smith since 2000.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

I have four draft posts sitting here, that will never see the light of day. Through the past 3 weeks, I have been trying to figure out a way to write without being a complete bummer.

Yeah, it's not going to work.

I finally sat down with Tony the other night and told him what's been going on in my head. Life has just become so overwhelming to me that I've descended back into the pit. This has only happened a couple of times in my life and never to this point.

My brain couldn't wrap around what had caused this plummet into the dark place. I coldn't articulate all of this to Tony. In fact, all I could do was cry. Then, today while Tre was asleep, my mind woke up and started kicking my ass all over the room.

It's everything. Our finances (or lack thereof), my health, my family, things that are going on around town.

Mainly, it's money though. I freak out every time I think of how little is left before we literally have nothing. Everything right now is flowing out, nothing is coming in. Neither of us has found work, yet.

Yes, I'm looking for work. I'm extremely limited in choices due to being disabled, having a car that I'm afraid to drive too far, and having been out of the workforce for 5.5 years. I have resumes everywhere and not a single nibble.

Which comes to the next part. I have my webspace for 15 more days. After that, well, I can't justify paying 1o dollars a month for this space while we're under such tight financial restraints. I'm looking for other ways to keep this site up but, even a 5 dollar plan is more than I should be spending on this.

I'm keeping my internet connection as long as I can as it helps with the job hunt and with Tony's school. I'll be writing here over the next 2 weeks and after that, well, who knows.

Four and a half years of journalling, 4 years here at mutteringfool.com it has been one of the best parts of my life and I don't want to give it up but, I don't see anyway around it.

As I said, I'll still be here for the next 15 days, after that I'll update to the notify list until the day comes that I can bring back mutteringfool.com and fatbottomedgirls.net.

I have to stop now, I'm not helping myself leave the pit, this is just making it worse. And I can't even see the screen anymore.

posted by Suzy @ 2:40 AM

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